To call or not to call – that is the question…

My phone rings.  I answer.

– Hello Ma’am.  My name is Blah Blah (I’m not good with names, can’t remember what the hell he said) from Avis Heating and Air conditioning.  I’d like to talk to you about your heating system.  Would you be alright with that?

– Sure, I would be alright with talking to you about my Hot Box, as long as you would be alright with a $1,000 fine for talking to me about it, since I’m on a “Do Not Call List” and all…

Long pause.

– Um, no Ma’am I would not be alright with that.  And I didn’t call about your “hot box”, I called about your Heating system.

– Oh no?  Well, maybe you should have thought about checking that list before calling me.  See the thing is that I’m usually very nice to telemarketers especially when I have the time to listen to them, but now you pissed me off.

– How did I piss you off Ma’am?

– Well, you did it again just now; you called me Ma’am.

– I called you Ma’am?

– Yes, you called me Ma’am.  Did you forget?  Not sure if you are aware but I am a very young and energetic young lady who enjoys life, dancing and long walks on the beach preferably with a very hot, young thing who is not wearing a shirt.  Or pants.  I am not very picky.  I would prefer a shirt and no pants, but I can roll with anything.  I know that’s typically what a girl wears in all those chick flicks, a long men’s shirt and no pants, but I kinda think a hot guy would look good like that also.  What do you think?

– Ma’am, I mean Miss… I am not sure why you are telling me this, and I probably should be going now…

– Why?  Do you have something more important to do besides listen to a crazy chick fantasize?

– Well…

– No, no Paul.  Now you will listen to me.

– My name is Blah Blah.

– OK, Peter.  I guess I better let you go.  My Hot Box is making some strange sounds, need to check it out.

– It’s Blah Blah, Miss.

– Shut up.

Click.

Leave a message after the beep

Here’s something I think about almost every time I am about to leave a message for someone.  Do we still need to record an outgoing message telling people to ‘please leave a message after the tone’?  Do we really need to remind people when and how they need to start recording a message for us?

We are in the twenty first century; we have cars that can automatically parallel park for us, we have computers that are smarter than any software engineer out there; we have missiles that can seek out and shoot a target from thousands of miles away without any help from a human being, but yet we still need a reminder to ‘leave a message after the beep’?  Haven’t we been doing that for many, many years by now?  Do we still not know what to do when we hear that beep?

Typically, when I get one of those outgoing messages I like to pretend I didn’t hear their instructions on how to record my message.  Instead when I hear the beep, I start talking to my kids in the background, giving instructions and then complain into the phone about how I don’t know if I heard the the beep and if I should be recording a message at this point or hanging up…  I do however absolutely love those people that record their outgoing message as: “It’s me, you know what to do!”  Nothing else, which is more like it.

Voicemail and My Father’s Outgoing Message…

The other day a friend of mine told me that I am the only person she knows that still owns an answering machine…  Apparently, everyone else in the world has long done away with those and only using electronic voice-mail now.  I’m a bit slow with technology, I admit.  However, I refuse to give my phone provider an extra $12 per month for voice-mail when I have a perfectly good answering machine!  Who cares anyway, not a soul calls my land-line and they haven’t since 2008.  The only reason I still have a land-line is because I get a huge package discount for having cable, internet and phone service.  A whole 10 Bucks!

My pre-historic answering machine reminded me of my parents outgoing message back in the day.  Our first answering machine in this country was a memory I will not easily forget.  My Father had to record the outgoing message, being the man of the house and all.  However, after months of listening to one hang up after another we finally decided that my Dad’s threatening  and a bit disturbing message had to go…  This is what he recorded (now do this with a very heavy Russian accent): “You have reached the Beynarts, WE NO HOME.  WE COME BACK AND FIND YOU!”  For the audio version, CLICK HERE   Would anyone leave their name and number on this machine?

I always wondered why my friends NEVER left messages.  The next day at school they’d say: “Hey Julia I called you and called you all night.  I think I got the wrong number, it was some KGB hotline.”  Um, no its my Dad.

My brother and I pleaded with him to let us record a new message, “Dad, you are scaring off all our friends.  Can’t we just record a Normal message?”  Here is how that conversation went (again, do this with a heavy Russian accent):

Dad:  Are their parents lawyers? 

My Brother and I:  No. 

Dad:  Are their parents Doctors? 

My Brother and I:  No, I don’t think so. 

Dad:  Are they engineers? 

My Brother and I:  Not sure Dad.

Dad:  Are their parents FBI?

My Brother and I:  No, we are pretty sure they are not.  

Dad:  You NOT need any friends. 

Case closed.

Bank’s response to my heartfelt letter

Here is a response I received from my bank, Wescom Credit Union, in reference to my heartfelt letter, along with a $25 gift card.  See my letter below, in case you missed it.

My original letter to Wescom Credit Union:

Dear Wescom Credit Union Employees:

I am writing this letter because I just spent 30 minutes on the phone speaking with one of your Imbeciles, please excuse the spelling of that word, the auto-corrector doesn’t have a suggestion for me.

Anyway, I just wasted 30 minutes of my life and would like for you to re-pay me with the $5 that you originally stole from me, plus interest in the amount of 200.55%.  The value of 30-minutes of my life comes to a total of $50.13.  The $5 was under the “checking fee”, which I was trying to get back when I phoned you.  Let me remind you dear Wescom employees that when a person signs up for a “FREE” account, it means you will never go into their account and take money that does not belong to you!

I understand that over the last 15 years or so, Wescom has become a much bigger bank than it originally used to be.  And of course, the bigger you are, the more crap you can get away with.  I also know that you will not be crying if I take my hard-earned money out of your bank.  I am not sure what my point is here, kind of lost my train of thought…   I can see how that doesn’t make my case very strong in my direction.  Oh, yes I remember, you are all a bunch of scumbags.  Look, the auto-corrector didn’t even bother putting the red wavy line across that word.  I think it agrees with me.  Yeah!

What I am trying to say here is that I will be closing my account, and taking my money across the street to “Joe Shmoes” Bank, but NOT before I get my $5 back!

So, here are some suggestions about how you can give back my $5 and 30-minutes of my life back from sitting on hold with you idiots.

1.       You can send that Imbecile that I talked to on the phone to baby-sit my children while I go get a manicure.  You have my address, right?  I have a very fancy party to go to this weekend, but haven’t had time to get myself pampered.

2.       If he doesn’t particularly like children, which I am guessing he might not, he could instead clean the bathrooms.  I haven’t gotten to that today, been a very busy day.

3.       If you have already taken my suggestion and fired the Imbecile, you can send someone else.  I don’t mind at all.

4.       You can also send me any office supplies that are sitting on your desk right now, worth $5.  I really don’t mind if they are used either.

5.       You could send me a gift card for a Spa day for a total of 30 minutes.  I know that it would be crazy for me to think that a Spa day would return 30 minutes of my life, but it would be so relaxing, in turn making me forget how pissed off I am about my $5.

6.       If none of these sound appealing to you, there is always the option of just putting $50.13 into my account.

The choice is yours, and I will be fine with whichever one you decide to go with.  If you would like to read more on my suggestions, feel free to visit my website at: www.easternblocklox.wordpress.com

Your comments are always welcome!