Kate Winslet’s Fight Against Plastic Surgery

Kate Winslet started a campaign against plastic surgery in Hollywood.  I am starting my own campaign against Kate Winslet.  Really Kate, you are against cosmetic surgery, and are encouraging other Hollywood starlets not to fall under its magical spell?  Really?  How very convenient for you to start this campaign AFTER you’ve have all your plastic surgery done.

You don’t know what I’m talking about?  Well, let me refresh your memory.  Remember how you gave birth to two children?  Remember how you got really fat?  Remember how you had all that ugly, saggy skin hanging and hated your body?  Remember how you lost all that baby weight, and all of a sudden had even more sagging skin?  Remember all those interviews you did saying how much you dislike your body?  Does any of that ring a bell?

It’s really funny how all of a sudden you decide to “start loving my body”.  Sure you are loving your body now.  After all those nips and tucks and Botox injections, or whatever it is they inject into women’s foreheads across the pond (say that with an English accent for better effect; sounds much better), of course you are loving your body now!

How very mature of you, as a role model for girls everywhere to mislead them about what a “natural” woman looks like.  Looking at you at the Sunday’s Emmy Awards really made me believe that your hotness is purely due to working out, eating right and shedding baby weight.  Yea, right!  A tummy tuck, a breast lift, and full body liposuction had nothing to do with the way you look now, right?  At least be an adult about it and admit you had work done.  Do us all a favor, don’t lie to the regular folk.  We are not idiots, alright so some of us are very much the idiots but we still would like to hear the truth.  Own your Man-Made Beauty, Kate Winslet!  Own it!  That’s all I gotta say.

Oh Carnival Cruise Line, how I wish you’d step up to the rest of them…

Maybe some of you noticed that I haven’t written in the last week.  Alright, none of you noticed but that’s not the point.  My husband and I took the boys on a long awaited vacation on board the “brand new” Carnival cruise ship called ‘Splendor’, or as I am calling it ‘Ineptness’.

We looked forward to this vacation for months now, my kids even checking off each day on the calendar since this was to be their very first cruise!  Frankly, I had always known that Carnival was at the bottom of the barrel as far as customer service and food goes.  However, living in Southern California we didn’t have many choices since Royal Caribbean pulled its ships out of this area and we didn’t want to fly to Florida for their Caribbean cruise.  What a mistake!  We should have spent more and flown there.

Where do I start?  Here is the chain of events, pretty much as they happened.

– Feeling extremely proud about the incredible “deal” I got for the two ocean-view rooms, we piled incredible amounts of luggage into my Father’s car and impatiently drove to the Long Beach pier.  At the same time, my husband impatiently waited for the moment where I would be forced to turn off my Blackberry and surrender it to him.  (Those were the terms of our agreement, and the reality of me not wanting to pay the $10 per kilobyte per text, e-mail or $15 per phone call)

– As we neared the boarding zone, I scrambled to send out the very last e-mail and text…  I know.  Pathetic.

– Once checked in, we proceeded to take our first corny picture of the cruise, under a make-shift Mexican looking doorway with a huge sign that read: CARNIVAL.  Because every doorway in Mexico has an advertisement for a cruise ship over it.

– The first sign of panic hit me as I glanced at our key cards and noticed the name: RIVIERA under deck name.  I quickly looked it up on the ship’s map only to confirm my concern that indeed it was the lowest deck on-board…  Having called Carnival numerous times to add and change things to our reservations I thought it was a bit odd that none of the eight (8) different representatives that I talked to bothered to mention that: “Oh, by the way just to make sure you know that you are on the very bottom of the ship, just above the crew cabins!”

– As we continued to walk towards the ship I quickly recalled one representative mentioning that our cabins are at the very END of the ship.  One more look at the map confirmed that yes in fact that’s where the ship’s engine room and propellers are located.  Again, having called Carnival numerous times to add and change things to our reservations I thought it was a bit odd, AGAIN that none of the eight (8) different representatives that I talked to bothered to mention that: “Oh, by the way just to make sure you know that you are on the very bottom of the ship, and also right above the engine, which does make a lot of noise and rattles the cabins making it seem like you are in the middle of an earthquake!”  But, I’m getting ahead of myself.

– At this point as I run back to the counter to find out if we can be placed on a higher floor, I am informed that in fact they are completely full!  All 3,600 people have shown up for their cruise and they can’t do anything for us…  Not knowing just how bad the noise or rattling would be I put it out of my mind and decided not to worry about it.  The last time I was on a cruise was over five years ago, and couldn’t remember the layout well anyway.

– Finally on board the Splendor, my kids couldn’t wait to see everything including our cabins.  So when we were allowed to go in them, we were all pleasantly surprised by their size and cleanliness!  Well, that was until my six-year-old decided to use the restroom and sat in a pool of urine instead.  Strange, considering they had just cleaned the cabins before we got there…

Lesson #1: Don’t assume all toilets are cleaned before you get to your cabin on a Carnival Cruise Ship!

– Not wanting to make a big deal, we moved on to explore the ship.

– We decided to check out the food on Lido deck first, since that’s usually the best part of being on a cruise ship!  We assumed that would be pretty easy to find since all you have to do is press a button that says: LIDO.

Lesson #2: Do not assume Carnival ships are built by normal/smart engineers.  Assume they are built by MORONS.

– Just because the button says LIDO, it doesn’t mean that its where you are going to end up.  To go to Deck 9 (which is LIDO deck), from Deck 1 you need to take the elevator to Deck 5, then walk towards the middle of the ship which is very easy to do when you are on a Staples-center-sized ship and always know which direction you are facing.  From there you need to walk across a bridge, down one flight of stairs, into the elevators which will ONLY then take you to Deck 9.  However, if you were on the wrong side of the ship, you would have to go up two flights of stairs, walk across another bridge, take those elevators up two flights, and then you would be at Lido deck.

Building a ship that you could just walk across from one end to the other would have been way harder!

– The rest of that day went very smoothly, especially after my kids have engulfed three ice cream cones.  The next day was spent at sea with kids playing miniature golf, and swimming in the pool.  Now, notice back there I didn’t say swimming in the POOLS, I said POOL as in singular one.  For the size of this Brand New ship and the amount of people on board (3,600 full capacity), they made sure to build enough for each person to dip their toes in.  Once.

– Splendor has three (3) pools, one about 15×15 feet, the other 50×25 feet and the third is ADULTS ONLY pool.  Not only are the two so-called kid-friendly pools small and salt water pools but on a typical day at sea full of snotty, bratty, water-splashing children that no one wants to sit next too.  And yes I am talking about mine of course, mainly the little one.  After the second time he got scolded by the adults, I gave him permission to go into the ADULTS ONLY pool since there was one old lady in there.  Of course wherever my six-year-old goes, trouble and more children follow.  Within minutes, the ADULT pool was filled with screaming, splashing children.  That’s when I gave permission to all the passengers on board to discipline my children, or as my husband says: I gave up.

LESSON #3: Signs do not matter when you are stuck on a boat with a bored child who has done everything else there is to do on a ship!

– Not only were Splendor’s pools a joke, but apparently so are the constant reminders that “reserving of beach chairs is not allowed”.  Smart people, a.k.a. people that got up early instead of lazy asses like us who like to sleep in on our vacation (whoever heard of that?), and put their crap on beach chairs next to the tiny pools had seats for the rest of the day next to the pool!  What about us, you ask?  Well, we found one beach chair and all four of us squeezed into it pretty much every day.

– After a couple days under the sun we decided to take a break and visit their “LIBRARY”.  They had a small but great selection of popular books and even board games.  Too bad you can only check them out from 3 to 4 o’clock in the afternoon!  One day we got there at 4:05 in the afternoon, because that’s how we roll, only to be turned away.  So my boys proceeded to do what they do best and play their DSI’s and Ipod’s, in the “LIBRARY”.

LESSON #4: Never forget electronic gadgets for your kids, even when they need a break from them.

– Splendor also has a camp on board the ship, called Camp Carnival. More appropriate name should be Camp Big Joke.  The counselors have as much energy and enthusiasm as a sick elephant in the middle of a heat wave.  They were so un-interested in entertaining kids that on the first day of sailing, counselors sent the 9 to 11-year-olds on a scavenger hunt throughout the entire ship, by themselves!  Now I could be entirely wrong when I say this, but when absolutely nothing makes sense on a ship, when elevators don’t line up to their correct numbers and names, when even an adult can’t figure out how to get from one deck to another, is it really such a good idea to send a bunch of kids on a scavenger hunt?  When we came to pick up our 11-year-old after his first try at Camp Big Joke, we were told that he wasn’t back from his scavenger hunt yet…   Those that know me well, will know what happened next.  Those that don’t…  Let’s just say that when I leaned over the table to grab the neck of that particular counselor, my husband’s reflexes kicked in and pulled me back in the fear of being placed in one of those emergency rafts, and sent floating to shore…

A couple days later, we signed our 11-year-old into Camp Big Joke again, looking for some adult time.  Ten minutes later he signed himself out.  We found him an hour later in his room watching TV.

Lesson #5: A kid only has to be traumatized once before he takes matters into his own hands…

– Let’s talk about food.  They definitely do not have 24-hour readily available meals, more like 20-hour readily available meals.  As long as you can find them in the maze of this ship!  It took us three days to find out that when the buffet is closed, there is a tiny sandwich shop in the corner of Deck 9, all the way in the back of the ship that’s open.  We went for three days without an eighth meal! 

– When the ship was pulling into Cabo San Lucas on the third day at 5:40 in the morning, we finally learned what those propellers under our cabins were used for.  Let’s just say that if you’ve ever been in an earthquake of at least 5.0 magnitude that also made huge pounding and rattling noise at the same time, you will know what I am talking about.  We proceeded to get woken up in that same manner for the duration of our cruise!  And it gets better.  Not only did we get woken up that way every morning, but we also had the joy of having it continue every 5 to 10 minutes throughout the day.

Lesson #6: Don’t get a cabin at the end of the ship, and right above the engine room!

– I am not even going to mention the wonderful customer service and warm welcome that we received.  Pretty sure the employees go through a long and tedious process called “Make the guests feel like crap for throwing money away on a cruise, while we have to work like slaves for nine months a year!”  We pretty much got menus thrown at us during dinner, and told to go to town with them.  No explanation or welcome necessary.

– I also made a mistake of not bringing my own hair-dryer, assuming they provide one like every civilized place in this country.  It only took me a couple days to find where they keep it, in the drawer next to the Bible.  See picture.  But wait, it gets even better.  Do you see the chord of the hair dryer?  Yes, it is attached to the wall behind the dresser meaning you can only pull it out about a foot!  Oh but wait, that’s not all.  Do you see that tiny blue button on the handle?  Well, the hair dryer will work ONLY if you hold that button down, the whole entire time you are blow drying your hair…– So, I decided to get my hair done for one of the Fancy-Shmancy Nights, only to hear these words from the hair-dresser, every ten minutes: “Boy, do you have a lot of hair!  This will definitely take longer than the usual time required!”  If my memory serves me correctly, I believe she took her revenge out on my hair by trying to scold my scalp with boiling hot water, and then by burning it with the hair-dryer.  Either that or she was taught to keep the hair-dryer on each strand of hair until there is smoke coming out of it, then hold it for a few more seconds and then let go!

LESSON #7: Always, always pack your own hair dryer.  And Bible.  Don’t know why, just had to throw that in there.

– Besides my half-burnt hair, everything else was going great.  Oh, wait no.  My kids also got some wind and splashes of ocean water during the night while they slept since their window was missing part of a seal, as in a weathering strip…  Yes, that was fun.

And on the last day, as we sat playing UNO and waiting to be disembarked off this wonderful ship, we saw this smart guy, right next to us.  See picture: LESSON #8: Don’t cruise with Carnival…


Chivalry is Dead…

What has become of chivalry?  Does it even exist anymore?  Everywhere I go I’m seeing women carrying big packages, pushing bulky strollers, and lugging around overweight toddlers while their men are cruising by without a care in the world!  The thing is that it doesn’t even seem like the women mind it as much as I do.  They walk around very proudly of their non-mannered men.  What happened to our society?  What happened to men opening doors for women?  Have we become so self-efficient, and so independent that we no longer need chivalry, romance, or a simple gesture of kindness?

And what are we teaching our sons, that its alright NOT to hold the door open for a woman.  Maybe I’m old-fashioned but when I happen to be behind a man or anyone for that matter, I just assume that they will hold the door open behind them.  They don’t have to open the door for me, just hold it open after you walk through it if there is someone behind you.  Unfortunately, being that naive has led the door to slam in my face many times.

Just the other day I was walking out of a Doctor’s office with my kids when a man was walking in.  I assumed he was going to hold the door open for my kids and I, so I proceeded to rush my boys through the door right as this idiot let go of it.  Not wanting my son to get slammed in the face by the heavy door, I leaped into it with my body.  And yes, my back still hurts but not as much as my feelings.  As much as I wanted to go off on this pathetic excuse for a man, I wasn’t going to do it in front of my kids.  Instead I made sure to notice which office he walked into.  Can you guess what happens next?

I walked my children to a nearby bench, where we sat down for a snack.  While they had their snack, I pulled out a notepad (yes I carry one with me to write down jokes that randomly pop into my head, or in this case assault an imbecile) and started writing a letter to this thoughtful man.

“Dear thirty-something-well-mannered-gentelman:

My name is Julia and we just met moments ago when you didn’t have a minute to spare to hold a door open for me and my kids.  In case you had forgotten me, I was the Mom leaping into a steel-made door so it wouldn’t slam into my child’s innocent face.  You did however spare a second by looking back to find out what all the ruckus was all about.  So sorry for the disturbance.  Do you remember me now?

Could you do me a big favor?  Could you deliver this letter to your parents for me?  Thank you so much.  I would like to address your parents now.

Dear Parents of this half-wit, mannered-free, so-called Man.  I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for raising such a thoughtful, and well-mannered man!  Just today he helped me remember what a jungle this world is, and that I should never ever assume other people would hold the door open for my children and I.  It was a total disregard of my duties as a parent to almost let my son’s face collide with a door!  It has taught me a huge lesson, and I would like to thank you for that!  Thank you again for raising such an upstanding citizen, who is a great contribution to our society.

Sincerely,

A Mother who almost let her kid get hit by a door.”

I walked back into the office where this man was, saw him sitting in the waiting room and proceeded to give him the note.  “This is for you, Sir.  Happy reading!”, I announced as he stared blankly at me.

Now I just hope to never run into him again…

The laws according to a Super Model, Gisele Bündchen!

Have you heard the breaking news?

Gisele Bündchen, the Victoria’s Secret supermodel and a wife of pretty-boy NFL star Tom Brady has announced that she would like to pass a law mandating Mothers having to Breastfeed their babies for a minimum of six (6) months!  Yes, the skinny bitch has opened her mouth instead of strutting her starvation-diet, hungry, angry face on the catwalk.  Another ignorant woman to make the rest of the women look bad, again! Yes, Ms. Palin I am talking to you.

Like anyone cares about what a Victoria’s Secret model has to say…  Just look skinny and sexy, strut your perky little B cups on the runway, keep taking lingerie photos for my Victoria’s Secret magazine that my husband eagerly awaits for, and we’ll all be happy.  Don’t talk.  Don’t try and make any kind of illegible and ignorant comments to the media, just be quiet, look hot and collect your millions.  We only want to look at you, not hear from you.  That’s all we, the regular folk ask of you, is that too much?  Someone who has a body like yours, one of the hottest husbands in the world (who happens to do everything you tell him to even if that mop on his head makes him the laughing stock of NFL), no real problems and on top of it is a millionaire?  How could you possibly understand real women who have real breasts, and real problems with breastfeeding?  With everything we know about the health benefits of nursing, don’t you think that if everyone could do it, they absolutely would?  Way to go you rich, stuck-up idiot to make Mothers feel worse about not being able to breastfeed their babies due to our DDDD-engorged-with-milk-watermelons-that-produce-an-ounce-of-milk-per-hour-per-breast!

Or maybe her real motivation is to teach all babies of the world self-control, discipline and how to properly diet from an early age.  Just because your Mother’s milk is taking forever to come down into your mouth does not give you the right to cry!  It is because your Mother’s breasts are not making enough milk for you that you will be lean, thin, angry machine just like Gisele Bündchen and the rest of the models!  Babies don’t need proper nutrition, and like my six-year-old likes to say: you get what you get, and you don’t get upset!

There babies, Mrs. Tom Brady has decided that its better for you to only have an ounce of breast milk at your feedings but be skinny and angry, instead of a full bottle but be fat and happy!  There is your logic according to an expert supermodel…

I sure hope to run into her one day!  Boy would I love to have a specific word with her.