*While driving Nikolas (13 years old) to school this morning some old hip hop song came on the radio. I said to him, wow this song is old. I remember dancing to it at a club.
Nikolas says, how long ago was that?
I said, well you weren’t even born yet so probably over 15 years ago. Why?
He says, I had no idea you were a stripper!
What no I wasn’t a stripper, what made you think that? But I am flattered that you think I’m good enough to be on a pole, those girls are in amazing shape!
*Tyler: I’m glad I was born in a good hospital
Nik: I was born behind a mall! (Partially true, the hospital he was born in is behind a mall)
*Me: I need to go to an Endocrinologist.
Tyler: what’s that?
Nik: that means she is afraid of Santa!
* Nik(8): Mom, since you are still young… Can we have another baby? Because that sibling in the other room (whispering and pointing to his brother), isn’t very nice!
*Nik (still 7): Mom, when I grow up I’m going to give my girlfriend a fake ring, so I don’t have to spend a lot of money!
Me: That’s not very nice!
Nik: Why not? She’ll never know its not a real diamond!
* Me: are you ok in there, are you going to throw up? (My 7 year old didn’t feel well
Nikolas(7): I’m just getting in the position to throw up!
* Me: You kids are raising my blood pressure, and making me stress. One of these days, I’m just going to die!
Nikolas (7): Well, at least we’ll still have Daddy!
* Nikolas wanted his brother to explain a certain joke to him. Tyler: “Nikolas I will explain it to you when you are older.”. Nikolas: “But that will take MONTHS for me to get older!”
* Nikolas: I think I hit puberty. Look I have hair on my arms.
* “Can I watch the show ‘North Pole’?” – Nikolas talking about Southpark.
* “Jeez Mom, you accept anything that’s free. Even if you don’t know what it is!”
* Nikolas had to go to the bathroom really bad, so he says: “I have to go Number 4 badly!”
* While driving to school one morning, out of nowhere Nikolas says: “The reason I bees so mean to people is because I don’t want them to think I am weak!” Wonder where he gets that aggressiveness from?
* Nikolas: “You know what doesn’t taste good? – Poop doesn’t taste good”
* I heard Nikolas say the word ‘stupid’, and told him its a really bad word and not to say it again. He says: “Well, at least I didn’t say ‘SHIT’!”
* After picking up some Chinese food, I looked in the bag to make sure everything was in there. As I yelled out: “Wait a minute, where are my eggrolls???” – Nikolas (still 6) replied from the backseat: “I got an eggroll right here!” pointing to his privates. I wonder where he gets the sexual humor from…
* Daddy took both boys, Tyler and Nikolas to Arizona for a couple days. After driving for 4 hours, Nikolas (6), who was deeply engrossed in his video game all of a sudden looked up and screamed out: “Wait, we are still in the car driving?” Apparently, the long 4 hours just flew by.
* With the holidays approaching, I asked my boys if all the kids celebrate Christmas or there are some that celebrate both Christmas and Hanukkah. Nikolas (6) replied: “There is one girl, she is Jewish and Christmas. And another girl is a FULL Jew like us.”
* Out of nowhere Nikolas says: “Mom, I don’t ever want to me a Mom or a Dad! There is just way too much hard stuff to do: make dinner, give the kids a bath… I just want to be ME forever!”
* Nikolas (6) was in the shower when I went in to check on him. I asked if he washed all his body parts. “Oh I forgot to wash my peepee!” – and he started very vigorously washing his private parts. I reminded him to be very gentle with it. He replies: “But I like it, it’s like a toy. You can move it this way and that way!” Again, I told him to stop playing with it because he will hurt it. His response: “I know, I know. It would be so cool if there was a toy of a peepee, Mom! How cool would that be? I could play with it all day long!” If he only knew…
* Nikolas (6) gives me a new picture he drew. I immediately put it up on the refrigerator. Tyler (11), speaking to his brother: “Kid, there is no greater honor than having your drawing on the fridge!”
* Tyler (11): “Mom, I have a perfect app for you on my Ipod, its called ‘the bleep button’. I wonder if he’s trying to tell me something…
* I was playing “Guess Who?” Game with Nikolas. When he was supposed to guess who my person is, he had a hard time reading the name ‘Sarah’. I said, “Sound it out”. Nik says: “S-L-U-T?”
* Nikolas (6) – “We are so nice, the guy will flip us off!” Glad he doesn’t know the meaning of “flipping off”, at least not yet…
* Nikolas (6) – “I’m so strong, I wonder if I can carry 200 girls?!?”
Me: “Why girls? Why not boys?”
Nik: “Well, boys don’t really like me to do that.” I sure hope he hasn’t been trying…
* “Oh shit, that’s super spicy!”- says Nikolas (6) while eating dinner. And then as he sees everyone’s face staring at him, “Wait, was that a bad word? I didn’t know SHIT was a bad word. What’s SHIT?”
* At dinner, Nikolas (6) kept blowing on the steam of his soup, over and over again. I had to intervene: “Stop blowing, you will pass out! Oh wait, maybe its a good idea. Keep going!”
* Tyler (11) talking to his brother Nikolas (6) about the growing mess in his room, mainly involving toys: “That’s why your room is such a mess, you don’t treat your LEGO’s with any respect!”
* Talking to Nik (6) about being nice to babies, he keeps saying that he hates babies. I point out that HE himself was once a baby. To which he says: “Mom, even when I was a baby, I hated myself!”
* Walking into a Target store, Nik (6) sees the giant red balls outside the door: “Oh I love those giant balls! I can do so much with those balls, Mom!” Oh boy…
* While watching TV, the commercial for 76 gas comes on. The one with the kid asking his parents tons of questions while they are trying to drive. Then they show the number that parents can call for pre-recorded information on all kinds of kid questions. Nikolas (6) says: “Yeah, you are gonna need that for me!”
* “Dad, am I old enough to ride a dolphin yet?”, Nikolas (6)
* Nikolas (who just turned 6) has been walking around telling people he is 7. One day, after meeting a new person who asked him how old he was, Nikolas answered: “I am 7!” To which Daddy replied (for the 15th time), “No, you are 6!” Nikolas getting visibly upset: “Why do you keep saying that? I have told you many times that I am 7!”
* After seeing Nicolas Cage’s star on the Hollywood walk of fame, my Nikolas exclaimed: “Mom, I found my star! I told you I am famous!”
* Out of nowhere, while drinking iced tea Nikolas says: “Where is the ice?” Me: “You don’t need ice, its cold.” Nik: “But its ICED TEA, its supposed to have ice in it, otherwise what’s the point of calling it Iced Tea?” Smart kid.
* Reading Dr. Seuss book “Oh can you say the Dinosaur names!”, Dad asks: Nikolas (5), can you say Tyrannosaurus Rex? Nikolas: Ty-Anus-Saurus-Sex!
* At dinner, Nik (5) announced that he wants his own blog! When I asked what he will write about he said: “I will write about you Mommy.” That’s appropriate, considering all I do is write about him.
* Nik (5): Mommy, do you know who I have a crush on? Me: No, who? Nik: I have a crush on girls in Bikinis. Me: All girls in Bikinis or a specific/one girl in a bikini? Nik: All the girls in bikinis. Not the little girls, like my age. But the older, bigger girls!
* I was partially dressed as Nik (5) walked into my room. I tried giving him a hug, and as he pulled away I asked why he wouldn’t hug me. “Mom, how can I, when you got all THAT going on?”, as he pointed up and down, and all over at my half-dressed body.
* Me: Nikolas, what did you do at school today?
Nik: I farted.
Me: Um, ok. What else did you do at school?
Nik: I made crap out of nothing.
* Nikolas’ kindergarten teacher keeps a notebook of all the interesting things he says in class:
– Teacher, I know what heaven looks like. I saw a picture of it on my Daddy’s phone. It has clouds and trees, and a giant ladder that goes all the way to the sky, and you can the a shortcut to get there!
– During quiet, writing time: Teacher, I have a question. I was just thinking that if a Banana had a face, a mouth, a nose, eyes and ears, it could walk up to me and talk. And that would be very weird, wouldn’t it?
* Nikolas (5), was asking me a lot of questions while I was typing an email on my phone. The kids know how much I don’t like when they interrupt what I am doing. I always ask the kids to be patient, wait til I am done and then I will answer any questions they may have. As he asked yet another question, he finally remembered what I have been saying about interrupting, and I heard him in the corner mumbling to himself: “Yes, I know. I guess I will have to be patient and wait til she is done texting on her phone, AGAIN! I can’t wait til I get my own phone, and show her what its like!” Point well taken.
* I bought Tyler (11) some new shirts. After I brought them home, he was looking through them and pulled out the blue, Rusty brand one. Sarcastically, he says: “Great, Mom! This will go great with my Red Rusty shirt, and my Green Rusty shirt, and my White Rusty shirt, and my Black Rusty shirt, and now my very own BLUE Rusty shirt!” Apparently, I’ve been buying him the same type Rusty Brand shirts, without even knowing it.
* The best quote ever from my 5-year-old: “I’m so happy today, and everyday! You know why? Because I’m not dead!” How simple, yet so wise!
* I was talking to my husband about my Dad being sick: “You should have seen the 5-Star service my dad got from mom when he was sick!” Tyler (11) yells out: “He ALWAYS gets a 5-Star service from her!”
* I usually make a good sized dinner every night, typically chicken, rice, lots of vegetables, etc. One night, I only made a vegetable soup for dinner. Tyler (11) looks at the soup I just placed in front of him, and says: “Mom, are we poor?” Apparently, when you spoil your family with gourmet dinners almost every night, a simple soup with bread means we are poor.
* As usual, Nik (5) was taking forever in the bathroom. I yelled out to him: “Are you OK? Did you fall in the toilet?” “No Mommy, ONLY my butt fell in the toilet! But, its OK. I pulled it out!”
* As we were all driving one day, a car cuts us off. I yell out: “Why is that guy an idiot?” Tyler (11): “I don’t know, Mom. Why is a pickle green?”
* My 5-year-old has started to take a shower on his own, with my husband or I watching in the bathroom, and making sure he cleans everything. One day, while he was in the shower my husband was telling him to make sure to wash his behind well. As Nikolas was about to do it: “Oh, this ain’t gonna be pretty!”
Beef jerky time:
Me: Would you like some beef jerky?
My kid (5): Yea yea beef jerky!
He starts eating.
My kid: “Oh, its spicy, I need water”
Me: I don’t have any water
My kid: Well why did you give me this then?
Me: Not sure. Spit it out.
My kid: I need a napkin!
Me: Ooh lucky for you I found a napkin
My kid: No, no – lucky for you.
* When Nikolas (5) was taking a very long time in the bathroom one night, I asked him if he was alright, if his stomach was hurting, and if it was diarrhea. He looks in the toilet, looks up at me: “Oh, its your lucky day, Mom!”
* Nik (5) didn’t want the Oats on the Oat Bran muffin, so my husband said he will scrape them off. He finished, and our kid says: “That’s good enough, Dad. You can take a break now!”
* My 5-year-old wanted to have the leftover Halloween candy, and was trying to get it. Me: “Oh, don’t eat that, its a month-old!” My kid: “No, you are a month-old!”
* While trying to clean up the house, the little one (5) kept whining that no one is giving him anything to do. It was getting on my nerves, me: “What’s with you?” My kid: “Stop saying that, there is Nothing WITH me, I don’t have anything WITH me!”
* The only show my kid (5) will watch is Sponge Bob, he is obsessed with him! I have about 100 episodes recorded. When one of the recorded shows ended, he ran up the stairs, screaming: “Mommy, Mommy, Sponge Bob bent over, it bent over!” I had no clue what he was saying, so all kinds of inappropriate thoughts ran through my head… He was trying to tell me that the show was over, it ended.
*We asked our oldest, Tyler (who was 9 yrs at the time), to do us a favor and give a shower to his little brother (4 at the time), kind of as a joke. Really didn’t think that he would actually do it. He obviously took it as a way to make a quick buck… We got this as our bill of services rendered, below!
* My 10-year-old rode his bike down to the neighborhood park, with his friends. After he got back home, asked him, “Tyler did you guys stay at the park the whole time?”. Rolling his eyes at me, “No, Mom. We went to the bar, had a few beers, you know the usual!”
* “Mom, when you were a little boy in Russia, did you speak English?” (Nikolas, 5). “You mean: when I was a little GIRL in Russia”, “No Mom, I SAID, when you were a little BOY in Russia! Everyone is born a Boy, and then turn into girls, Mom!”