Nik: Mom you should really consider getting an assistant or something
Me: Why do I need an assistant or something?
Nik: Well, there are many places you’re banned from and not allowed to go to anymore. So if I ever need something, you need to have someone that can come to the school and bring it to me.
Me: What are you talking about? I can always come to your school
Nik: Well, for now yes but you know it’s just a matter of time before you get banned from my school too!
Me: Oh stop it. I’m not banned from anywhere. I can go wherever I want to.
Nik: Um yea ok, here’s a list of all the places you’ve been banned from, and this is just in the last year.
1. Tyler’s high school for getting in a fight with a Cop that patrols the school (because apparently he wasn’t doing his job yelling at Moms who park in the middle of the street, so you told him that you can do his job better and told the Mom that if she ever parks like an asshole again, she’ll have to deal with you) Oh and the Principal has you on the black list, whatever that means, and you’re not allowed on school property.
2. My Pediatrician kicked us out of the office because you yelled at the staff for being dumbasses and told them this is bullshit when they wouldn’t call you back.
3. You’re on my School’s “watch list” for meddling into everyone’s business, and having a reputation for needing to always make things right. (A kid was being bullied, another kid was being hit at home, and another didn’t have a lunch. What was I supposed to do? Say nothing like everyone else?)
4. Ok ok Mom, what about you telling a clerk at the grocery store to smile because she looks really scary when she isn’t smiling? (Never happened, don’t remember)
5. Fine, what about the time when we lived in Florida and you told the cashier in Target that her name in Russian means “teddy bear” and she ran out crying? (Well what kind of parents name their daughter that? They couldn’t have researched it a little bit first?, and how the hell do you know about that, you weren’t even 1 years old then?)
6. We all keep lists Mom. Ok how about the time you were asked not to shop at our grocery store because you were unhappy about the “awful service the bakery department were giving everyone”? (Well, they were! Nobody ever wanted to help with cake orders!)
7. What about the time you left Tyler holding your purse in the middle of Ross to go after a “pretty lady” and proceeded to ask her about her love life? Tyler was mortified and the security guard asked him if he should escort you out? (What’s wrong with me wanting to set her up with a client of mine? She was beautiful and didn’t have a ring, and the right age for him.) Mom you left your son standing in the middle of the store holding your purse! (Oh stop, he was 15 and totally fine)
Ok, maybe I need an assistant, just to get me into places I’m banned from….