Sister Wives, Polygamy, not too bad of an idea…

I have to admit that watching the show “Sister Wives” on TLC made me think about what it would be like to have so-called wives in my family.  To tell the truth, it doesn’t seem like such a terrible idea.  If you think about it, the only bad part are too many children by all those women, assuming that all the women are going to want to procreate…  And of course the other is that the women are not allowed to have other men.

I really think that besides those two things, it wouldn’t be such a bad life.  Think about it, there are two or three other women to clean, cook, take care of all the kids, not to mention give you a break from sex, or having to see the husband on those days when you feel like being alone.   One sister wife is regularly cooking for everyone, the other has all the kids ready for school with homework finished, the third is doing everyone’s laundry, so you would only have to chauffeur the kids to and from school or run to the grocery store.  Not bad, not bad at all!

However, I can only imagine the terror that comes over the household when all the sister wives get their monthly visitor, which obviously they will get at the same time, having synced their periods by living together.  Can you just imagine that?  The poor husband having to tiptoe for days around them, scared that one or all of them bite his head off for calling out the wrong name, or leaving the toilet seat up.  I know most people out there are going crazy over this show and their Polygamist lifestyle, but if you ask me, I think the sister wives are the ones in control, and not the husband!  Sure he gets to sleep with a different woman every other night, but do you think its easy to remember which one likes what during sex?  What about their names?  I get my kid’s names confused on a regular basis, can you imagine remembering three or four, on top of all the children’s names?  That can NOT be easy…

If the sister wives were allowed to have other husbands, I might consider signing up for that lifestyle.  But then again… I don’t know that I’d want all that pressure of having to bring my A-game every single time, with every single husband, every single night.  Ugh, just thinking about it, is making me exhausted.  Maybe sticking with one husband and a bunch of sister wives is much more appealing…  Right on Sister Wives, you are smarter than all of us!

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Is Matchmaking a Mitzvah and how many are we supposed to accomplish in our lifetime?

Attending a wedding the other week of a couple that I introduced, made me think of the many Mitzvot that we are supposed to perform in our lifetime.  Having been somewhat of a Matchmaker since I was in high school, I had never really thought about it as a Mitzvah, or a good deed.  All I did was put two souls together, mainly because I had a feeling that they would like each other and hopefully build a life together.  But as I sat listening to the Cantor during the wedding talking about the Torah, and the significance of all of us performing a Mitzvah, my husband leaned closer and whispered: “I’m so proud, you made all this happen, yet another Mitzvah!”  To tell the truth, it caught me off guard, I had never thought of it that way.  My amateur matchmaking had always been a bit of a hobby, on the side of all my other “real” jobs.  And as my husband would say, a bit of an annoyance and hindrance to our personal life.

So as I started to ponder about all the people I introduced over the last fifteen years, and realized that a lot of them have continued to stay together, and in this case get married and start a family!  I had an epiphany!  I was doing a service to the world, I was performing a Mitzvah each time I matched a couple!  It only took me about fifteen years to come to this realization…  But, then again I am a bit of a slow learner.  Then more questions poured into my head…  Are we supposed to accomplish a certain number of good deeds in our lifetime?  Am I good now?  Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love matchmaking, especially when the two people hit it off and continue dating.  However, it does not come without its problems.

Some of my past “couples” are eager to share their first meeting with me, along with every detail of their dates after that with its ups and downs, leaving me wanting to “fix” the situation.  Others I hardly hear from again until I see a post on Facebook that they are getting married, which brings me to yet another thought.  There has to be some kind of an etiquette when it comes to using a matchmaker, especially my kind of a matchmaker, a.k.a the free kind!  If I introduced you two, and somewhere down the line you decide to get married, along with your first phone calls to Mothers, Fathers, Sisters and Brothers, shouldn’t I be in there somewhere well before Facebook, Shmacebook, Twitter and whatever else?  Is it just me or does something feel a little odd about having to find out on Facebook that the couple you set up is getting married?  Again, maybe its just me.

I also get my husband involved in it, which he happily goes along with screening people with me, trying to look for single and available bachelors at his work, gym, basketball league, etc…  Poor guy is so tired of me waking him up a 2 a.m., only to hear me squeal with excitement because I thought of a girl for my single guy!

So, going back to my original question: Is Matchmaking a Mitzvah?  And how many Mitzvot are we as human beings, and Jews are supposed to perform to be good with the man above?  Or does it not work that way in Judaism…

Conversations with my kids

* As usual, Nik (the 5 year old) was taking forever in the bathroom.  I yelled out to him: “Are you OK?  Did you fall in the toilet?”  “No Mommy, ONLY my butt fell in the toilet!  But, its OK.  I pulled it out!”

* As we were all driving one day, this car cuts us off.  I yell out: “Why is that guy an idiot?”  My 11-year-old, Tyler: “Why is a pickle green?”

* My 5-year-old has started to take a shower on his own, with my husband or I watching in the bathroom, and making sure he cleans everything.  One day, while he was in the shower my husband was telling him to make sure to wash his behind well.  As  Nikolas was about to do it: “Oh, this ain’t gonna be pretty!”

Beef jerky time:

Me: Would you like some beef jerky?
My kid: Yea yea beef jerky!
He starts eating.
My kid: “Oh, its spicy, I need water”
Me: I don’t have any water
My kid: Well why did you give me this then?
Me: Not sure. Spit it out.
My kid: I need a napkin!
Me: Ooh lucky for you I found a napkin
My kid: No, no – lucky for you.

* When Nikolas was taking a very long time in the bathroom one night, I asked him if he was alright, if his stomach was hurting, and if it was diarrhea.   He looks in the toilet, looks up at me: “Oh, its your lucky day, Mom!”

* My son didn’t want the Oats on the Oat Bran muffin, so my husband said he will scrape them off.  He finished, and our kid says: “That’s good enough, Dad.  You can take a break now!”

* My 5-year-old wanted to have the leftover Halloween candy, and was trying to get it.  Me: “Oh, don’t eat that, its a month-old!”  My kid: “No, you are a month-old!”

* While trying to clean up the house, the little one kept whining that no one is giving him anything to do.  It was getting on my nerves, me: “What’s with you?”  My kid: “Stop saying that, there is Nothing WITH me, i don’t have anything WITH me!”

* The only show my kid will watch is Sponge Bob, he is obsessed with him!  I have about 100 episodes recorded.  When one of the recorded shows ended, my son ran up the stairs, screaming: “Mommy, Mommy, Sponge Bob bent over, it bent over!”  I had no clue what he was saying, so all kinds of inappropriate thoughts ran through my head… He was trying to tell me that the show was over, it ended.

We asked our oldest (was 9 yrs at the time), to do us a favor and give a shower to his little brother (4 at the time), kind of as a joke. really didn’t think that he would actually do it. He obviously took it as a way to make a quick buck… We got this as our bill of services rendered!

* My 10-year-old rode his bike down to the neighborhood park, with his friends.  After he got back home, i asked him, “Tyler did you guys stay at the park the whole time?”.   Rolling his eyes at me, “No, Mom.  We went to the bar, had a few beers, you know the usual!”

* “Mom, when you were a little boy in Russia, did you speak English?”.  “You mean: when I was a little GIRL in Russia”,  “no Mom, I SAID, when you were a little BOY in Russia!  Everyone is born a Boy, and then turn into girls, Mom!”

Grandma and Medicinal Urine…

One of my earliest memories is of my family vacationing on the Black Sea in Ukraine, and my Mom making hot soup in the kitchen.  Have no clue why in the middle of a blistering heat you would make soup, but that’s not the point.

As my Mom was bringing out the huge pot of soup, my little brother was running around between her legs, of course, which incidentally made her trip and spill the boiling hot soup all over his bare back!

Then, I witnessed my Grandma running around with a metal pot, asking all the neighborhood kids to sit and pee in it.  That’s a site I will never forget.  She was a tough Ukrainian Jew that survived the war, so no kid wanted to ask questions.  They just sat on it, and peed like she asked.

After she got enough urine, her and my Mom proceeded to put it all over my brother’s back with rags.  Nobody bothered to take him to the hospital, they just kept putting it urine over him.

My brother recovered and healed completely, not even a scar on his back.  Moral of the story, who needs hospitals and medical personnel when you got Urine…