A man’s equipment…

It has been years since I’ve watched old episodes of ‘Seinfeld’. I usually come across it, watch for a few minutes then move on.  Today’s show, however made me pause and think.  It was the one where Elaine tries to change a homosexual man into a heterosexual unsuccessfully.  The following conversation between her and Jerry Seinfeld is what got me thinking: “Here’s the thing.  Being a woman, I only have access to the ‘equipment’ what 30, 45 minutes a week.  And that’s on a good week!  How can I be expected to have the same expertise as people who own this equipment, and have access to it 24-hours a day; their entire lives!”  To which Jerry replies: “You can’t.  That’s why they lose very few players…”

If you think about it, that is very true.  How can any woman compete with a man’s vast knowledge of his own “equipment”, and please him in the same way?  Women like foreplay.  Women like to take their time and take it slow.  Women need to be “warmed up”.  A man can accomplish the goal in a matter of seconds, minutes if we are lucky.  Men don’t need foreplay, or to be warmed up.  They are always warmed up and ready to go.  I can only imagine what goes on when men are left alone without any supervision!  On second thought, maybe I don’t want to imagine that…

It seems to me that it would only be natural for a man to be with a man, doesn’t it?  Follow this logic:  Only a man knows exactly how to please another man, right?  A woman knows nothing about what feels good for man.  A man knows what feels good for him.  So according to this theory every man should be homosexual, just like every woman should be also.  This could be just another absurd theory of mine, but somehow it makes a lot of sense.  What do you think?

My evening at the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences

I went to the Academy of Television’s event honoring the TV sitcom ‘Hot in Cleveland’.  They often have these events for up and coming shows, mainly as a panel Q and A and a celebrity host/moderator.  This time it was the legendary Larry King moderating, asking questions and what he would call “making the crowd laugh”.  Since retiring from his long career at CNN, Mr. King decided to start doing stand-up, which doesn’t mean him actually getting out of his chair and trying to balance without the help of his 25-year-old wife, I mean actually performing comedy.  Yes, Larry King is going on tour to make people laugh…  As much as I admire his journalistic career and his longevity in entertainment industry, I will not be in attendance.

Back to the ‘Hot in Cleveland’ event.  It was to start at 7:30 p.m., therefore in my typical obsessive, compulsive fashion I left Orange County at 3 o’clock in the afternoon and arrived precisely at 5 o’clock at the doors of the Academy.  Again, the event started at 7:30…  There are no assigned seating, its on a first-come-first-serve basis, and having been late to a similar event for “Friends” many years ago, which led to having to sit in the green room because they ran out of seats, I was determined to never let that happen again!

I am not sure if any of you had noticed, but yesterday was one the hottest days in Southern California in months, I believe it reached the 80’s.  Where am I going with this?  I am going to the part of me sitting on a beach towel on the sidewalk, waiting for the Academy to open the doors, shwitsing under the sun, as the camera crews mistake me for the hired help, asking me to get my ass off the Red Carpet because I was blocking their way as they set up for cast arrivals.

Right about now, my husband will be getting very upset if I don’t mention that he was right there next to me, shwitsing his ass off too.  Here you go, honey:  My husband was right there next to me shwitsing his ass off too!

Not long after, we were joined by another compulsive soul who was utterly disappointed that we had gotten there first.  Relax buddy, the theater holds a thousand people, I am sure you will get your seat.  As I started chatting to this man holding an assortment of Betty white memorabilia, he divulged to me that he has been coming to these events for years.  Assuming that he is in the entertainment industry, and obviously a member of the Television Academy I asked him what show he works on.  “Oh, I am in financing.  Not in this business at all”, he replied.  A little confused about how one could get in to these events without being a member or knowing a member in the industry, I inquired.  Apparently, people that run these events are so used to seeing him there all the time that they just let him in.  Hmm, I started pondering about how many people I could have brought in with me…

Once we were inside, and the show started we quickly realized that this guy was not just a “fan”.  Something about Jane Leeves’ face told me that this guy was borderline stalk-ish.  I had never seen anyone take more pictures of a single person in my life.  He never put down his camera, and it became creepy when I could see how close he was zooming in to her face, legs and body!  But that was the security’s problem, not mine.  As hard as I tried to concentrate on people speaking, I just couldn’t take my eyes off this lunatic and his camera.

The Q and A part of the event lasted about an hour with clips of the sitcom shown before the cast arrived.  Mr. King had some good questions for the creators of the show, which most of them Valerie Bertinelli volunteered to answer.  I didn’t realize she was as much of a talker as I am!  She had something to say about everyone and everything, repeatedly interrupting King and the others.  It was cute to a point, after which it got a bit annoying since everyone’s microphones were already set really low, and made it hard to hear the responses with her butting in.  It was a disappointment when King announced that he had to leave halfway through the show, and the President of TV Land, Larry Jones took over.  Although Jones tried to ask questions, and be funny (and I use the word ‘funny’ in the loosest way possible), it was mostly the cast chiming in about how much they love, love, love this show and how lucky lucky lucky they are, blah blah blah.

Fast forward to the best part of the show when all were asked if they had actually ever been to Cleveland, which in my opinion was the most relevant question of the night.  Bertinelli blurted out something about her new husband being from Cuyahoga Falls, which automatically makes her an expert on anything and everything Cleveland.

Suzanne Martin, one of the creators of the show brought up the fact that in the beginning they kept getting hate mail from people in Cleveland, and even the Cleveland Plain Dealer called her to find out if the show will ONLY be focusing on the negatives of Cleveland.  Her response was that its the complete opposite, they are making Cleveland to look like Heaven!  I am paraphrasing of course.  As much as I love the people of Cleveland, I am not sure that there are any positives to living there.  Is it the constant below zero temperatures, the snow, the lack of any decent sports team, the utter disrespect to the city by certain athletes that shall remain nameless in order to refrain from starting a riot, again?  Of course the people are much nicer than anywhere else in the country, they truly want to know how you are doing when they ask: “How are you doing?”.  That’s pretty unheard of  in California.  Sure people ask all the time how you are, but not one of them actually expects you to tell them how you really are, or bother to stop and hear the answer!  Its a form of saying “Hello” here in California; you say it and you move on.  I stopped answering that question many years ago, because as soon as they ask you, they have already checked out.  They are gone.  I’ll be standing there with my mouth open, ready to tell them how crappy my day has been, as they walk right past me.

back to the show.  In the past, once the Q and A portion of the show is over, typically the actors will stay and mingle with us regular folk, pose for pictures, sign autographs, etc.  Not in this case.  Security rushed all of them out of the theater faster than I could get out of my seat!  The only person we saw left on stage was Jon Lovitz, who by the way is a lot cuter in person and just as funny as he is on TV.  He was one of the only ones making people laugh all night, well him and Carl Reiner too.  But God knows who the hell Carl Reiner was talking to anyway, half the time he was answering other people’s questions, and telling stories that no one asked about.  Don’t get me wrong, he was absolutely hysterical and charming as ever, but at times I wondered if he and Betty White even knew where they were!  She took at least half a dozen naps during the event, only to be elbowed by Wendie Malick when the host asked her a question.

So, my point is I absolutely love the show “Hot in Cleveland”, it is much better this year than it was the first season, however I have to say I was a bit disappointed by the lack of meet and greet afterward.  Why was poor Lovitz the only putz out there taking pictures and signing autographs?  All of the actors should have to endure that pain!

We got Apples and Oranges and Pears, Oh My!

Watching Chelsea Handler the other night made me think of all the idiotic names parents give their children these days.  You might have guessed by that intro that she had none other than Gwyneth Paltrow as a guest on her show.  As Chelsea asked about her daughter Apple, I couldn’t help but notice a smile creep up on her face as she tried not to crack up.

Whatever happened to normal kid names?  I don’t know children with normal names like Ryan, Steven, or Jennifer anymore.  I can’t remember the last time I was at my kids school, and heard one of the Mothers yell out a normal name!  Seriously, its all Stone, Rock, Pebble, Fuse, Laser and my favorite: Athur, no I didn’t say Arthur, I said Athur!

What kind of an idiot names their child Laser?  Or in Ms. Paltrow’s case, Moses.  She’s got a fruit for a daughter already, but now her son has to live with up to the name like Moses…  Isn’t it bad enough that the kid is half-Jewish, why would you punish the kid more by naming him Moses?  Does he always have to remind everyone that he is a Jew?  Why not just name the kid Jesus while you are at it…

I can only imagine how badly he will get teased at school?  The kids don’t care that your Daddy is the lead singer of Coldplay, and your Mommy is a bad actress.  His school day will go something like this:  Hey Moses, why don’t you come over here and spread the sea for us!  Hey Moses, come help your people get to the lunch tables safely!  Hey Moses, when are you gonna stop walking around in the Desert?  Hey Moses, show us your special powers!

Without a doubt there will be those that say these names are great because they are different, they make the child stand out in a sea of ordinary names, blah, blah and more blah…  So what?  How very special will your kid feel when he is getting his ass kicked every day because he is named after a vegetable, or a naturally occurring solid aggregate?  Keep telling your kids how super “special” their name is, just don’t cry in eighteen years when they change it to Bob.

Sister Wives, Polygamy, not too bad of an idea…

I have to admit that watching the show “Sister Wives” on TLC made me think about what it would be like to have so-called wives in my family.  To tell the truth, it doesn’t seem like such a terrible idea.  If you think about it, the only bad part are too many children by all those women, assuming that all the women are going to want to procreate…  And of course the other is that the women are not allowed to have other men.

I really think that besides those two things, it wouldn’t be such a bad life.  Think about it, there are two or three other women to clean, cook, take care of all the kids, not to mention give you a break from sex, or having to see the husband on those days when you feel like being alone.   One sister wife is regularly cooking for everyone, the other has all the kids ready for school with homework finished, the third is doing everyone’s laundry, so you would only have to chauffeur the kids to and from school or run to the grocery store.  Not bad, not bad at all!

However, I can only imagine the terror that comes over the household when all the sister wives get their monthly visitor, which obviously they will get at the same time, having synced their periods by living together.  Can you just imagine that?  The poor husband having to tiptoe for days around them, scared that one or all of them bite his head off for calling out the wrong name, or leaving the toilet seat up.  I know most people out there are going crazy over this show and their Polygamist lifestyle, but if you ask me, I think the sister wives are the ones in control, and not the husband!  Sure he gets to sleep with a different woman every other night, but do you think its easy to remember which one likes what during sex?  What about their names?  I get my kid’s names confused on a regular basis, can you imagine remembering three or four, on top of all the children’s names?  That can NOT be easy…

If the sister wives were allowed to have other husbands, I might consider signing up for that lifestyle.  But then again… I don’t know that I’d want all that pressure of having to bring my A-game every single time, with every single husband, every single night.  Ugh, just thinking about it, is making me exhausted.  Maybe sticking with one husband and a bunch of sister wives is much more appealing…  Right on Sister Wives, you are smarter than all of us!