I feel bad for Israel, Mitt Romney is coming for a visit. Oye Vay! I’m hoping he gets stopped at the airport with planted weed, knives and weapons of mass destruction in his bags. I’m also hoping his entourage drives on Shabbat and gets rocks thrown at him. Oops, did I say that out loud?
I had to write about this phenomenon called ‘Date Night’. Every couple I know has date nights where they spend an evening away from home, kids, pets, etc, while throwing money away doing it… Only in America do people label every activity including a simple night out with their partner. Everywhere else in the world its just known as ‘going out’! Why do people need to schedule quality time with their significant other? What’s wrong with just spending time when you feel like spending time with that person? What if I don’t feel like spending quality, alone time with my partner on that particular Wednesday penciled-in on the calendar? What if I feel like doing that on a Monday, but oh wait its not on the calendar for Monday… therefore I have to wait til Wednesday. Absolutely moronic…
More importantly, when you’ve been together for many years, have children, pets and other responsibilities together, who the hell cares about date night? All ‘date night’ really means is that at the end of it, the man is hoping his wife is drunk and relaxed enough to actually have sex with him! And the woman just wants a night off. So the way I see it is this: Men, go wash your kids dirty butts, put them to bed, clean the dishes, put away the laundry, while your woman relaxes on the couch with a beer. I guarantee you won’t need to spend money on a sitter and fancy dinner for her to put out! She might even surprise you with something she hasn’t done since you were dating, trust me on this. Now go do it, and get back to me with the results.
Today my 11-year-old son, Tyler shared a very interesting conversation that he had with his classmates. It started during lunch time when he pulled out a peanut butter with bananas, and honey sandwich on whole grain bread. After Tyler was done with it, he pulled out carrots, apples, and a low-fat yogurt. Do you see where I am going with this yet?
As he finished devouring my creation, he looked up and saw his friends watching him. One of his friends wanted to know why I am always packing him such healthy lunches, and I quote: “There are never any cookies or chips or anything in your lunch!” Tyler’s reaction was simple: “Because she loves me, and I will always be healthy.” I was beyond thrilled to hear his response, and it validated every ounce of guilt I have had by not allowing junk food in the house. Yes, I admit I actually have felt guilty for not buying my kids chips, sodas and other junk food items. But today I got over it…
Its not to say that when we go out for dinner, my boys don’t get to have a soda or chicken nuggets. Of course they do, but at home we limit the amount of processed and sugary foods. The way I look at it is this, my brother and I grew up with nothing but meat and potatoes, and an occasional apple that we picked from a tree on our way to Grandma’s house, only to find a worm in it when bitten, spit out the worm and keep eating. We didn’t have chocolate chip cookies or Frito-Lay chips after school, we had stale bread with some jam on it, hand-made by my grandparents the summer before. Sure there was some mold on the bread, but you pick it out, throw it away and eat the rest of your delicious treat.
Furthermore, not only did we not know about junk food, we also didn’t put ice in every drink. One of the great memories I have is walking to a nearby store with my brother to buy Coca-Cola, one of those old-fashioned glass bottles that you just don’t see anymore. There was only one store that carried them, and once in a while my parents would leave some change to treat ourselves to a bottle. I clearly remember a clerk handing us each a warm bottle of Coca-Cola, and we gulped them down on the spot. It was such a rare treat for us, which is what made it so extraordinary. Sure it would have tasted a little better if it was colder or had ice in it, but we didn’t know any better.
My point here is that if you don’t buy junk food, your kid won’t be overweight. The whole country is fighting with childhood obesity, parents not knowing what to do with their fat-ass children, but yet they keep buying all the greasy foods their kids want, sending them to school with sodas and chips in their lunches, and then wondering why the hell their kid is fat. How about buying less junk food, going outside with your child and playing ball? How about you stop blaming the schools for their fatty school lunches, and get off your lazy ass to make a healthy one?
In the meantime, my kids seem like aliens with their humus and whole wheat crackers lunches. But you know what? I am alright with that because they are alright with that.
Here it comes, I am just going to dive right in.
What is it with most Americans and names? I get that here in the U.S., people like to automatically shorten others’ names. Jonathan becomes John, Jennifer is automatically a Jen or Jenny. Do you people not understand that when we introduce ourselves as a “Jennifer”, it means we would like you to call us by that name? You know that same name we just introduced ourselves with. Not Jen or Jenny or J! After a certain age, let’s say fifteen, calling someone Debbie is just plain wrong, it ain’t cute.
What about those that insist on calling me Julie?!?! It’s almost like their brain shuts down after reading J-U-L-I and automatically shortens my name to a Julie. Are you that much of an idiot that you can’t take another second to read my full name? Do you seriously NOT see the “A” at the end of it? What makes me mad the most are the people that I email, and they reply with a “Hello Julie”. Not only did I sign my name as JULIA, but my email address has my full name. How the hell do you miss that? It is spelled out for you right there in the address field, you moron.
You would not believe what teachers in school used to call me. Every time they would take attendance, they would get to my name and it was always something different. Sometimes they would call out Julie, sometimes it was Julianne, Julianna, even Julien, as in a boy’s name! And these are our Educators that are teaching our children, who themselves can’t even read ones’ name? At first, I used to correct them each time, but when the same teacher would call me Julie for the third time that week, I just stopped raising my hand. Instead, I would sit there saying: “Nope, try again”, making them repeat it over and over again until they finally got it right. Did I mention that I used to get kicked out of class a lot too? Who knew that teachers, and professors don’t like to be corrected?
I haven’t even gotten to my last name yet! My maiden name is Beynart. Can you imagine what the teachers called me? Beiner, Binard, Beyhart, everything but my name. I got so sick of it one day, I actually yelled at one of the teachers during my Senior year in high school. Guess what happened after? Yeap, I sat out in the hall for the rest of the class, which was totally fine with me. I’d rather do that than listen to a half-moron lecture about our government any day.
And last, but not least I cannot stand when people give me the: “Oh well, it is what it is” line. What the hell is that? No, its not what it is, its called crap. Its called: you made a stupid decision, you are an idiot, and now you have to live with it. It is not OK, it is not how life is. Its how YOU are! You are an uneducated, ignorant prick who messed up, but doesn’t want to take responsibility for it! Most 3-year-olds know that every action has a consequence that follows.
What about this line: “I am who I am”. What does that mean? Oh wait, I get it. That means that if you are jerk, as long as you keep using that line to whoever you were a jerk to, you can continue being a jerk! Or it means that whenever you mess up, you can just throw out that line and all will be forgotten, and forgiven. What kind of make-believe world are we living in?
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